8 Tips When Quarantining with Your Significant Other
You love your significant other (SO). But, quarantining with them is beginning to breed conflict and dissatisfaction. You snap at them for something silly, you feel keyed up and "on edge," constantly. Or, you have surpassed that, are completely disconnected for each other, and even more isolated than you already were.
These problems are expected when you spend the vast majority of your time in one place, with one or few people. It is even more likely given the current state of the world. Stress and uncertainty is high. We are stuck in our homes and have plenty of time to worry or get worked-up about things. Many that don't matter. Pent up feelings are then fired at the only person around, and your relationship deteriorates.
But, just because relational issues are expected in such circumstances, does not mean you need to be complacent with them. Taking action against our problems (aka active coping) improves personal and relationship issues better than waiting for the circumstances to change. Doing something to create change will give you a better outcome than hoping for the best, or waiting for something or someone else to change.
So, what can you do to improve the quality of your relationship and reduce conflict during quarantine? Here are my 8 tips:
Take time apart, in some fashion, everyday. This could mean working in separate parts of your home, taking a walk by yourself, or calling a friend alone. Creating a bit of distance will actually bring you closer.
Try to establish your own routine, separate from your partner. If you're still working, this will be easier. If you are off work, consider fixing up your resume, taking on a personal project, or daily exercise as pivotal parts of you day. Schedule your time to create a (rough) 9:00 to 5:00 schedule (or whatever a work day looks like for you). This gives you some personal productive time and something to talk about with your SO later.
Give attention to your own mental health and wellbeing. Make sure you are getting adequate sleep, moving your body daily, and eating well. This will support your physical and mental health, and your relationship. A healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals. Loosing sight of this will cost you more than you realize. For more detailed suggestions on supporting your mental health and wellbeing, check out my “12 Habits for Supporting Mental Health During Quarantine” post.
Choose an activity you can do together, besides Netflix. While cuddling on the couch to watch your favourite show is enjoyable, it does not foster interaction. Add in something else. Play a game, do a puzzle, or read a book or exercise together. It doesn't matter what the activity is so long as you both want to take part. Let the activity spark conversation beyond COVID-19 or who failed to do the dishes.
Lean on your other relationships for support too. When feeling overwhelmed it is common worry and complain about the same thing over-and-over. Your SO may have been supportive at first, but they (or you) may be frustrated with hearing the same grievances repeatedly. Conflict ensues. Reduce this risk by leaning on someone in your social network instead. Give your SO a break, or ask for one yourself. Each person will get their needs met. Then, when you come back together, you are both in a better headspace.
Get creative with date night. Schedule a date night. Put it on your calendar and commit to it. Plan something you can do at home, or outside in a socially-distant manner. Eat a picnic in your yard or nearby park, do an at home scavenger hunt, cook something new together, play a game, make cocktails or mock-tails and have a movie night on a blanket on the floor. Get creative, get dressed up, light some candles, and focus on enjoying each others company. You'll be pleasantly surprised.
Do something small and unexpected for your SO. Buy something small for them online or at the grocery store. Make them a tea and leave it on their desk while they are working. Put a love note on the bathroom mirror. Small gestures when it is easy to get caught in the day-to-day grind can make a big difference. It says "I see you" in a time when spending so much time together make each of you feel less visible or important.
When conflict strikes, take a time-out, and return with a focus on your feelings not what the other person did wrong. Fighting while emotionally elevated is a great way for one or both of you to say something you don't mean. Instead, take a time-out, away from each other, and reflect on why you are so upset. Then, consider why your SO feels the way that they do. When you have both calmed down, share your underlying feelings (i.e., what's under the anger?). Are you feeling under-appreciated? Anxious? Overwhelmed with something completely unrelated? Share what's beneath the anger, ask for support, and then give your SO the space to do the same thing. Make sure you aim to see their perspective and tell them you value their needs and feelings too. Be genuinely interested in their hurt and how to correct it.
While I wrote this list with quarantine in mind, these tips will continuously serve your relationship. Do them often, and when feeling disconnected or frustrated, remember why you chose your SO in the first place. Use that feeling to motivate you to follow-through.
And if you're still feeling stuck or caught in conflict, you can schedule a couple therapy session with me. Or, hit up PsychologyToday and search for a couple therapist in your area. Most are offering phone sessions during COVID.
Remember, what gets attention gets managed, choose wisely.
Stay well,
Dr. Michelle